Dear Humans,
Sincerely,
God
Disclaimer: the views expressed above are not intended to hurt the religious sentiments of anyone anywhere. if you gotta a problem with it, watch a russells peters video. :)
I don't ask you guys for much. I mean, usually
it's the other way around; and I like to think I do a pretty good job of
giving you guys what you want. I mean, there haven't been any swarms of
locusts in a while, have there? I've got a shit-ton of locusts up here.
I could drop those bad boys on you whenever I want, but I don't,
because I'm nice guy. So, if you wouldn't mind, could you please do me
one favor: Stop screaming my name during sex!!!
At first it was kind
of flattering, but now it's just ridiculous and completely distracting.
I'm trying to meet with some angels or fight the devil or even make a
bowl of pasta and you people keep screaming my name.
Why do you think Church is on Sundays? It's the one time of the week
when I'm ready for everyone to call out my name. That's fine, that's
part of the deal, I can accept that. But when it's1.00AM in the morning on a
Friday, and I'm lying in bed, trying to go to sleep, I still hear my
name over and over. I can't sleep! I have to buy so much cetrizine and alprax to sleep that that the
guy at the pharmacy thinks I'm Snoop Dog or Lion (or whatever you call him) from Soul Plane. And as good as I would
look in a gold tooth, that's just not my scene.
And you know, it's not just a personal thing either. Your religion says
you can't be doing this. Don't take my name in vain. It's a fucking
Commandment (no pun intended). It's right there next to "don't murder."
Don't murder and stop bothering me when you join the mile-high club (FYI: it means sex on an aeroplane!!) .
Could you people just be quiet when you're doing that? Really, I would
appreciate it and I think that all of the other airplane passengers would
appreciate the same as well.
I don't even get why you do it. Do you want me to know you're having sex? Are you into some weird stuff? Do you want me to watch you having sex?
Because I don't need to watch you having sex. Trust me, I've seen it
all. Eve was a freak. That rib wasn't the only bone she wanted from
Adam, if you know what I mean.
The reason I bring this up, is
because I'm seeing a nice lady right now, and I really don't need you
yelling my name while you bang that wasted chick in that nightclub bathroom (I'm looking
at you Magnum Ravi from Banglore). She gets jealous is all I'm
saying. I may be a jealous God, but you have clearly not seen Midge. We
met while playing bingo one day, and I really don't want you guys to
screw this up. It's just; I'm not very good with women. I mean, Mary was
still a virgin after I had sex with her; so, just dating someone is
really a big thing for me right now.
If you've got to yell during sex, I get it. That's your thing. But, could
you pick some other deity to shout to? Why not convert to Hinduism?
There are like 330 million gods in that religion. You'll never run out.
You'll be set for life. They've got some pretty awesome gods too. I
mean, have you seen Lord Vishnu? That dude has four arms; he'd probably be
able to give you some pretty awesome tips in the sack.
So please, all I ask of you is that you stop yelling my name during sex. Oh, also, stop committing genocide. You guys are being real dicks.
Sincerely,
God
Disclaimer: the views expressed above are not intended to hurt the religious sentiments of anyone anywhere. if you gotta a problem with it, watch a russells peters video. :)
