Different Types of Break Up

Now....I am pretty much sure that all of us have gone through at least one heart break through out our entire life. Well if you haven't ...then you my friend need to prioritize a few things in life or else you are gonna die a f***ing virgin!! Not just any virgin.... the kind that will die of a stroke when you are seconds away from getting laid with the girl of your dreams.

Now that we are done with the stupid disclaimer.....lemme come back to the topic. Yes... types of break ups is what I wanna talk about today. I dunno about girls but for us guys.... hooking up is the easy part.... breaking up is hard. You might think thats mostly coz we are easily emotionally blackmailed or soft hearted or shit like that....but no....F*** No!! We are easily vulnerable to the 'sex after breakup' syndrome! We have all been there... Its a golden rule of break up....Never fall for sex after you break up!

I have dated 7 girls throughout my illustrious shameful and lustful career (Yes!! Seven!! this was before I lost all the hair and became permanently pregnant with a beer belly!!) This also accounts for the 7 types of break ups which I happen to experience in my life.

Break Up No.1

The first one is always the toughest. She was the one I truly madly fell in love with in school. Apparently, it is the longest I had ever been in a relationship. (Sorry Aditi Suseelan we still have 2 more years to go!!!) Anyways, we had promised each other that we will be with each other no matter what happens and all that shit. But as time passed....our relationship went through testing times and we decided to elope and get register married. The night before the day of the elopement, my besties threw me the best bachelor party ever and I got so wasted and passed out. We made it to the registrar's office at sharp 11 and were waiting there for almost an hour. In the commotion I happen to see a bunch of missed call alerts and messages on my ever faithful Nokia 1100. It was her....apparently she got cold feet and she couldnt go through it and didnt want to cheat her folks. However, I was too wasted to pick up her calls that night and there I was in front of the registrars office dressed in my whitest shirt and a blackest pant. Her last message said "Vish!! I have been preparing you for this break up all year long! I hope you understand!" Yup ...she broke my heart....I drove to the nearest B grade theatre got in for a Shakeela movie and cried my heart out....my wailing thankfully sunk sumwhere in the climaxing moments of Shakeela chechi's on screen orgasms!

Break Up No.2

By now I needed a rebound. I came to Sharjah to celebrate my bachelorhood and hooked up with a chick from school who was my junior....Much to say after breakup No. 1, I was horny Prem Chopra waiting to pound on innocent Hema Malini!!! The month long affair was ever lustful. We were making out and wanking off like easter bunnies at every place we could. One day after we made out in the lift and I dropped her at her place and She said "Love you vish! i ll see you tomm!" I was like "OK!" and that was the last I ever saw of her. I caught the next flight to Nepal and never saw her again. I ran into her profile on FB once and seems shes a civil surgeon now. I blocked her permanently! I really dun wanna end up like Fahad Faasil in 22 Female Kottayam!

Break Up No. 4

We'll come back to Break Up No. 3 after a while. We'll talk of break up No. 4 for the time being. This was law school now.....I hooked up with a chick who was 5 years younger to me....The problem with her was that she never stopped yapping....She always had to blabber about something or the other at all times!!! Even while having sex! Until one fine day, we decided to have a BDSM roleplay and I tied up her hands and shoved my underwear in her mouth and had sex. It was the most peaceful sex I had ever had with her. She broke up with me immediately after that romp session. Apparently, it wasn't because the sex was bad....She was pissed off with the fact that I had washed that underwear in a week. (Disclaimer: This act of perversion may or may not work as a break up but can definitely get you landed in jail as per the new amendments in the Indian Penal Code.)

Break Up No.5

Break Up No.5 taught me the most important thing in life. Never ever break up with a girl in confined spaces such as your car or a lift or cramped spaces. Coz if she plans on getting emotionally beserk, You have no where to escape. Girlfriend No.5 and I were in the car in the car Shanghmugham Beach. She was going on blabbering about getting married and shit when I decided I am gonna make this as blunt as possible. I said "Listen, I cant date you anymore. I wanna break up. This is it!" She was shocked as ever and started crying uncontrollably and kissed my hand. I felt a sudden pain in my heart....I thought I was too hard on her and my heart was aching for her true love I rejected....The pain was becoming unbearable to cope up with and thats when I realized that the crazy bitch was biting the f*** outta my thumb! She just wouldnt let go. I screamed at the top of my voice. I tried choking her....then tried tickling her ....no f***ing way....bitch just would let go of my thumb. Finally, she let go biting away a chunk of tissue and ligament from my thumb and I need to get stitches. Thanks to her, masturbation will never be the same again. I still think of her when I jerk off.

Break Up No.6

Break up No.6 was a techie I met at the Technopark. I was getting out of college and I wanted to focus on my career on starting a pornography website. Our relationship wasn't getting anywhere....She was a nice female and everything but I just wasn't feeling it in the relationship. So I decided that I ll be extra nice to her when I break up and also in a wide open space. I took her out for dinner at a very fancy place in Trivandrum and towards dessert I broke the news to her. She started weeping uncontrollably and I held her hand to console her. Strangely enough people around thought I had proposed to her and started clapping hands and congratulating us. She ran out of the restaurant with everyone looking at me in total sympathy. To them I had been ditched by a cruel woman. The Manager out of sympathy towards me was kind enough to let me know that the Tiramusu was on the house. Though wierd, it was the cleanest break up I have ever had with anyone. Like they say practise makes one better.

Now all of you must be wondering what happened to the girlfriend in Break up No.3. I had met this crazy woman in medical college. Yes I hooked up with her as joke. We dated for a while and we broke up and then we patched up and then we broke up again and patched up like a million times during a short span of 5 years....until one fine day I realized that I can no longer live without her in my life and finally one fine beautiful morning on the month of December, 2011, I asked her to be my wife and she said Yes!

Its been 6 years ever since that break up and Break up No. 3 with Mrs. Aditi Suseelan was indeed the best break up I had in my entire life and Bellu and Smith have been happily breaking up and patching up ever since. That's the story of my break up wedding anniversary!

With love

Bellu and Smith!

P.S: Recent studies show that controversial posts can be directly proportional to your marital sex life! 

BHAVIKA -- My first transgender experience

I despise transgenders. Yes.... I just admitted it. I just can't stand them. I have always hated them all throughout my life. More than hate, its a sort of nauseous feeling I have towards them every time I see one. Its probably a hereditary thing. My dad hates transgenders and is terrified of them. My grandfather despises them too..... but since he was an asshole, I am pretty much sure he had gone to Bangkok at some point of time, got wasted and some lady boy must have banged his skinny ass. Anyways, I ll write about him some day after he's dead or else he' ll sue my ass for defamation. However, I always make it a point that I always steer away from them. My friends Raisa George Uma Vasudevan and Aswathy Krishnan strongly oppose my view on transgenders and they claim that I am racist. But that's not entirely true, I do like transgender people as long as I don't know that they are one. So basically it's like eating soya bean and chappatti thinking its non-veg till you realize that its veg (viewpoint courtesy: Sabari C P). Anyways, Saturday nights are always boring if all your friends have headed back to their hometown. This weekend was no different. It was just me and Sabari C P hanging around in a coffee shop in Kochi and bitching about all our colleagues. After dropping Sabari C P home.... I decided to call it a night and started heading home. 

On the way, I see a huge tussle going on in MG Road. Two guys on a bike and another guy on another bike and one fellow grabbing and dragging a woman.... atleast it did look like a woman at first. Apparently, it was a transgender. The guy who was dragging her forcefully looked like an offspring of Rapper Snoop Dog and an Asian Palm Civet (marapatti in short!! I was just trying to be Prithviraj for a sec!!!) Clearly, these guys were trying to drag him/her into an alley and rape him/her. Despite the fact, I totally despise these people, I stopped the car and honked the horn as loud as I could. Hearing this, two guys on the bike fled the scene. However, Mr. Marapatti was clinging on to him/her determined to violate him/her. I said "What the hell is going on mister??" (actually what i said was "എന്ത് മൈരാടാ കാണിക്കുന്നത് കുണ്ണേ!!!") The transgender person ran towards the car. I told him/her to get in. That's when I realized that Mr. Marapatti had a pen knife or something and obviously he was stoned too. I couldn't believe it. I was putting my life on the line for a transgender. If I were to die tonight, I could totally see tommorow's new paper headline - 

HIGH COURT ADVOCATE FOUND DEAD WITH A TRANSGENDER SEX WORK UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES!!!! 

Then again that's fucked media and their TRPs. By now Mr. Marapatti's friend was panicking and started screaming to get the hell outta the place. But Mr. Marapatti was not going to let go of his prey without a fight. He tried to grab her/him but managed to escape. By now, he grabbed his/her fone and took off. The transgender was visibly very shaken up. I couldn't possibly leave her/him there. I asked the transgender reluctantly to get in the car and I ll drop her/him some place. On the way back, the transgender was weeping helplessly. Apparently, this is the second time they have attacked her this week. She happens to be a sex worker and Mr. Marapatti and his friends wanted to have a go with her TOGETHER for the price of one customer!!! (Yes!! no one can beat us malayalees when it comes to bargaining!!!) She said she couldnt do it and these guys were trying to kidnap her at the endpoint of a knife. It seems last week these guys did this to another friend of hers and that friend has an asshole now big enough to store radioactive plutonium. I asked her if I should take her to the cops. She said "Cops wont help us. They will ridicule us or just tell us to get lost." I asked her if I should drop her some place. She said her friends would be near south railway station. I drive to south railway station and asked if she needed any money or help. She said she ll be alright but clearly the terror of almost getting raped was still evident in her eyes. I asked her "Why don't she do something else for a living?" She smiled sarcastically. She and I both knew the answer to that. I wished her good night and asked her name..... She smiled with twinkle in her eye said its Bhavika. It was prolly the first time anyone ever did something for her without in exchange for sexual favours. She asked me my name. I was gonna say my name "My name is .....err..." then once again my transgender phobia kicked in and I said my name is "Adv Sabari C P" (don't ask why I did that!!). She said "Thanx Sabari chetta!!" and I drove off. I had another coffee and headed back through MG Road and caught a glimpse of her once again standing at the bus station looking to make a buck or two for her livelihood before dawn. It was a sad and helpless sight. I wont say my outlook towards transgenders has changed. But I ll tell you one thing. After last night's incident, I just realized that my generation of perverts have totally lost it. I have heard my female friends keep telling me that its very unsafe to go out in the night after 10 PM. Fuck, today transgender people are unsafe, tomorrow even men will not be safe from men in the street. 

I was telling this to another colleague about this incident over lunch and the first thing he asks me "അളിയാ ചരക്ക് ആയിരുന്നോ? വല്ലതും നടന്നോ?" (meaning "Was she hot? Did you get to do something with her????) I looked at him painfully and regretfully and sympathized with his father for wasting his ATP molecules and DNA to create someone like this. I thought I was racist moron for having aversion towards transgender people, but seeing people like my colleague and Mr. Marapatti, I have completely lost faith in humanity.