Okay, this is an embarrassing topic for everyone....We all have been there and done that. Puberty is a tough time in every adolescent kid's life. We have all had our share of embarrassing weird stories when it came to puberty. My phase through puberty was no different from any other kid. Like my good friend Joseph Chowallur puts it...."it was like ramming a brand new Ferrari car to a concrete wall". I always felt that girls had it a bit more easy when came to dealing with puberty than the boys. I mean for a girl....look at it this way. When she reaches puberty i.e., when she gets her period, she could go talk about it to their mom or the other elderly women in the household. They will probably know how to deal with the whole scenario and guide the way through. In some cultures it’s even celebrated and partied all night. I actually even happened to attend one such ceremony once while interning in Tamil Nadu. They place the girl on a throne, put up huge banners and take pictures. The visitors stand in a long queues to wipe yellow baby shit kind of stuff on the girl's face. Since everyone was doing the same thing, I too wiped the shit on her face and wished her "many many happy periods of the day" (I honestly didn't know what else to say!). However, this is not the scenario with guys. When guys reach puberty i.e., when they have their first wet dream, it’s all so freaking confusing. You literally wake up every now and then with wet sticky shorts. In my case I thought I was bed wetting. Unlike girls, we guys can’t go and discuss this with anyone in the house. I mean imagine if we guys go up to our folks and say "Dad/ Mum I keep getting a hard on for no reason or I think I am bed wetting with sticky urine!!!" Their first reaction would be "ഛി....വൃത്തി കെട്ടവനെ...നിനക്കും ഇല്ലേടാ അമ്മയും പെങ്ങളും" (Which in Malayalam means-You bloody pervert! Don't you have a mother and sister?). So basically we are all on our own. We have to figure out this strange phenomenon happening to our bodies on our own. Things were even more tough back in the 90's. These days you could just google up these things. Back then you had to figure it out the hard way (pun intended!!). It was no different for me. When I had my first face off with puberty, I too was lost. I was virtually getting a hard on for no particular reason at the most inappropriate times like while watching the news for example. This was a totally weird phenomenon for me. I turned to my good friend Noble Inasu back then in school, who always an explanation for everything. I told him my problem, he said it could be the starting of AIDS. It totally freaked me out! “I was having AIDS? OMG I had AIDS!!! Wait…..What the f*** is AIDS??” Since consulting Noble Inasu didn’t help, I was once again back to square one. The next one year was totally scary with all sort of weird shit happening with my body. At one stage I thought I was turning into a werewolf with all the hair growing on my body!! How I wished that all the hair on my body would all go away!! (A wish I regretted in the later years of my life!!!)
Fast forward to 6th Grade:
However, the one who came to my
rescue was my best friend Upas
Nair, who later on turned out to be my sex guru!! By now I figured out
what why I was getting turned on. The next target was to figure out what the
heck was SEX!! So we figured out through some means that, in order to figure
out what was sex, we had to watch a porn movie or a ‘Blue Film’ as they would
refer it! I still haven’t figured out why they call it a ‘Blue Film’! Why not a
‘Pink Film’ or a ‘Red Film’?? Anyways the only access to porn back in the day
was mallu softcore porn. The mallu softcore porn was misleading in so many
ways. Firstly, it never really shows anybody having sex. It’s basically just
two people just slithering on a bed like snakes and trying to smell each other
while hugging and when they climax either the sunrises or two flowers touch each
other. The two things that mallu softcore porn taught me was that there were
two kinds of sex. One, as mentioned earlier was the slithering type and second
where the hero forces the heroine to slithering in the bed with him while he
tries to bite her (Courtesy: Balan K Nair, Sathaar, T.G Ravi, etc) and in the
process he also tears her clothes. However, in years to come in law school I
came to know that the second type of sex was illegal and punishable by law.
Anyways, things were going awesome in 6th Grade till my sex guru Upas Nair had
to change school and leave to India and I was once again all by my own stuck
with two nerds namely Joseph Chowallur and Sunil
Padmanabhan. By now I figured out the dictionary meaning of Sex. I
figured out in order to have sex, the male penis had to be penetrated into
something what was known as the female vagina, which I had no freaking idea of.
Since hearsay was the way of passing around information, Joseph Chowallur
figured out that the female vagina was the belly button. So things were solved.
In order to have sex with a female, you just had to shove your dick into a
girls belly button…. I mean what more logic could you expect from the nerd of
the class in 7th Grade. I shared this vital information with Mr. Noble, who
said women become pregnant after sex and that’s how babies are born. However,
another pervert Mr. Ben
Mathew came up with a counter argument to my newly gathered
information. Why do men have belly buttons then? Are we hermaphrodites as we
learnt in biology class? Can men make themselves pregnant? After several days
of brainstorming, we came to the conclusion that men couldn’t make themselves
pregnant simply because the dick wouldn’t reach the belly button and more over
the dictionary said it had to be a female belly button or more appropriately
known as the vagina. So for the next two years of my life, I went around
thinking that the female vagina was the belly button along with some other
retards in class. Then came the year of enlightenment in 9th Grade, where we
got a detailed sex education class from our biology sir Mr. Kutty. I still
remember the shock of my life when I came to know that the female vagina had
nothing to do with the belly button. My world had just come crumbling down and
I was back to square one. I remember Mr. Kutty telling us that even girls go
through all these changes and they develop breasts and hips widen so as to
facilitate child birth in future. This was strongly opposed by Mr. Burhan
Akbar in our class, who firmly believed that hips widened to attract
boys and child birth was by shitting or operation in certain cases. I still
remember Mr. Kutty patiently listening and blushing to our claims and queries.
Most of our doubts were enlightened during that academic year. However,
Mr.Kutty’s one piece of information kept me wondering, how did girls reach
puberty and what were periods? SO I set forth to find out what the heck were
periods. I mean I knew women used to get them once in a month but what was the
entire process or that it involved menstrual blood, I did not know. Every now
and then I used to see on TV, advertisements for ‘Whisper’ or ‘Always’ but I
had no idea what it was for. I just knew women use it. For what joy, no idea!!!
The advertisements always said that it prevented leaking of the blue liquid
what looked like harpic solution. The women in Ads were always sad in the
beginning and were happy after buying the so called brand. So I tried to deal
with this thing on my own mathematical reasoning:
Equation#1: ‘Whisper’ or 'Always'
was for women,
Equation#2: It was to prevent the
blue liquid from leaking and
Equation#3: It always showed a
woman sleeping peacefully in the end of the Ad.
Eureka!!! It made sense…. It was
pampers for older girls and women who was used to bed wetting. I found it
totally hilarious that even my sister was using it. However, the ‘Whisper’ with
wings Ad never made any sense. I still haven’t figured out till date what the
F*** is the wings for!! All my misunderstandings were sorted out by my then
girlfriend in school. She did explain it to me once but I really couldn’t make
heads or tails out of it. The whole bleeding issue freaked me out. By end of
school I had finally seen my first hardcore porn movie courtesy some good
friends like Manjush
Jacob Mathew and Shan
Varghese, who gave me my first porn cassette. Back then it was not easy
to watch a porn movie at home. You had to wait like ages till your folks go out
on a weekend and you pretend to study for an important test paper and decide to
stay back home. You never get to enjoy a porn cassette because through the
whole phase you are worried about your parents walking in anytime and secondly
the cassette getting stuck in the VCR! By 12th Grade came the age of the 56Kbps
internet and the rest was history. Puberty was tough especially if you were a
kid of the 90’s. We had to deal things the hard way and life was indeed filled
with thorns and the road to becoming a sex expert was slow. By college I
thought I was a Sex demigod until I had sex for the first time with my girlfriend.
She wanted me to pleasure her so I kept rubbing her belly button till she would
get an orgasm (Okay okay no one is perfect the first time!!!!) She broke up
with me and went around people telling that I was obsessed with her belly
button. Another time I thought the clitoris was a flower 
. Anyways, over the
years I bettered the gift what puberty granted me. I finally got over the belly
button and set sail like Christopher Colombus to find the G-Spot. A friend from
college told me once you reach the G-spot area, women go totally nuts into
orgasmic mode. In that case I thought I was a walking G-spot! Anyways, what I
really wanted to tell is that my journey to Puberty was confusing, funny,
embarrassing and filled with loads of questions that I had to find answers on
my own. Kids these days have it too easy with the new technologies have. I mean
today a kid in 3rd grade will probably know what is the Kamasutra and explain
the entire shit to you in brief, thanks to the internet. They know too much,
too soon!! Looking back my journey to Puberty and hence forth was amazing and I
am still learning new things each day. Last week I heard that a frequent
prostate massage can give you multiple orgasms as well as benign prostate
hypertrophy. So if I ask myself after all these years…..have I reached puberty?
Physically ….Yes! Mentally ….. No! I am still in the learning process. That’s
me signing off for the weekend and I hope people will stop bothering me to know
when is my next perverted post! Chios!!
P.S: I still haven’t figured out
what my girlfriend in college meant when she asked me to come over as it was
her safe period. I thought her folks were out of town! What happened?? I ll
prolly write about it some time!
