Ever since my sister in law and go to shrink Saumya told me about this awesome Thai massage spa she had been to in Thailand, I had made up my mind! I am definitely going for this. Since being a broke lawyer didn't help my chances in going abroad to actually experience the authentic Thai massage, I decided to settle for some good spa in India. I had nearly given up searching in Kerala because which ever place that offered a Thai massage also offered to make me very happy. Since I was already very happy everyday for free, I didnt need to pay up Rs.5000 to be more happy. Anyways, I told my wife Aditi about my new fantasy and she advised me to avoid such shady places coz she had no plans for bailing me out in case of a police raid. So where could I find an authentic Thai massage spa? My go to man in situations like this is Sabari, who happens to be a colleague from work and has never left the jurisdictional limits of Kerala. The only Thai massage he has prolly seen is the one in B-grade mallu porn movies. Sabari tells me "Bellu....there is no point in searching for exotic massage spa in Kerala. For that you ll prolly have to visit the metro cities like Mumbai, Delhi etc." Since it was one of the very few rational things he said in his lifetime, I figured the best place to find a exotic spa would be in a metro. Coincidentally, this was around the same time Aditi told me that she had to go to Delhi for a conference and asked me if I wanted to tag along. It was one of those "Mann mein laddoo futa" moments for me. I rescheduled all work appointments and took the next flight to Delhi. Since we had two days to the conference, Aditi suggested that she ll take me around Delhi. So we arrive in Connaught Place. Connaught Place, is filled with brand shopping outlets, rich dining and not to mention SPA's!!!!
After we were done with the shopping and stuff, I told Aditi that I wanted to try out a Thai Spa place. Aditi gave me a look that was like "whats with you and metrosexuality all of a sudden??". However, unlike disagreeing with most of my trantrums, much to my surprise she said OK! I enter the Spa where this hot looking receptionist is sitting. She explains to me the different types of packages they are offering and blah blah. The rates were mind blowing but I was determined to get the Thai massage today at any cost. The receptionist finally convinces me that I should tryout the hot stone Balinese massage with steam bath. I was like ok what the hell. This sweet female takes me to one of the rooms inside and asks me to change my clothes and lie flat on the massage table. As I lay half naked on the table smelling the lavender aroma in the room, there enters my masseuse ammai ('ammai' means middle aged attractive lady in malayalam). She had a black pot filled with charcoal and large black pebbles in it. She asked in broken english if I ever had a massage before. I said No. She goes like WHY?? I just chose to keep silent not knowing how to answer that question. Then she pinches my butt and asks me if I am too shy. If my wife ever saw this I could totally see my wife shoving those pebbles up my ass. Anyways, my masseuse ammai starts warming up the pot and poking my back with a charcoal piece. I figured this had to be some way to relax the body before the massage. I thought to myself that my sister in law wasn't so crazy after all and that I should hang out with her more often.
Before I could think any further, I felt a sudden burning sensation on my back and I screamed at the top of my voice and jumped out of the masseuse table. Apparently my masseuse heated up one of the pebbles and kept it on my back without any warning! It freaking burnt my back! In the process of jumping out of the table, the pebble fell on the floor and got damaged. Furious as I was, I yelled at my masseuse for burning me. She quickly went through my invoice from the reception and said "Sir, you have paid for the Balinese STONE massage. What did you expect?" Standing almost naked in my disposable trunks without a towel and a burn bruise on my back, I couldn't feel any more stupid. It was one of those rare moments where I hated to admit that my wife could have been right. Anyways, since I paid an exorbitant amount for the massage, I decided to go through with it. The next 60 minutes was more or less third degree torture by my masseuse ammai. I wondered if her previous employer was the Kerala Police. At one point I even got sodomised with the hot pebble as it got stuck in my ass crack and she had to attend a phone call. I just literally prayed that the entire episode would just get over as soon as possible. Minutes felt like hours and finally it got over.
Next was the steam bath. Since this was my first steam bath, I expected it to be like one of them turkish steam bath rooms. However, my expectations were once again shattered as the steam bath involved a steam bath chamber. For people who do not know what the heck is a steam bath chamber, its a steam box in which your body is closed and only your head is sticking outside and they pump steam inside. Though very apprehensive, I stepped into my massuese ammai's steam bath chamber and sat on a steel stool. She took my towel and told I had to sit in there for 30 minutes so that all my holes would open up. Ok let's not go into what that meant! She locks the chamber and tells me that she ll be back after half an hour. As I sit in the chamber, the steam starts building up and I start sweating profusely. It wasn't so bad after all, I thought to myself. But things were about to take an ugly turn once again. As the steam was being pumped into the chamber, my body was heating up but what both me and my masseuse ammai failed to realise was that even the steel stool heated up. I sat there twitching and turning trying to break through from the chamber as my ass burnt. I really did want to scream at the top of my voice but I just couldn't handle mental and financial agony on the same day. There reached a point at the 20 minute mark where I couldn't feel my ass and could feel that my balls were half boiled. I gave up all hopes of having any children at this point and then I lost my consciousness. After about 30-35 minutes, my masseuse ammai walked in and had to wake me. She said "ahhhh.... see you relax and you fell asleep. Good massage, No?" I was too tired to slap her out cold. I felt like one of Hitler's holocaust victims. I went to the shower, the cold water peeled of some more burnt tissues from my ass. I put on my clothes with much pain and walked out limping. Aditi looked at me with pity and said I looked as if I got ass raped by a bunch of sex starved Taliban. It was pretty much more or less the same feeling. She put my arm around her and carried me back to the room with an amusing grin on her face. I guess she and my sister in law was in this all along. I should have just stuck massage with the happy ending.....
