Now....I am pretty much sure that all of us have gone through at least one heart break through out our entire life. Well if you haven't ...then you my friend need to prioritize a few things in life or else you are gonna die a f***ing virgin!! Not just any virgin.... the kind that will die of a stroke when you are seconds away from getting laid with the girl of your dreams.
Now that we are done with the stupid disclaimer.....lemme come back to the topic. Yes... types of break ups is what I wanna talk about today. I dunno about girls but for us guys.... hooking up is the easy part.... breaking up is hard. You might think thats mostly coz we are easily emotionally blackmailed or soft hearted or shit like that....but no....F*** No!! We are easily vulnerable to the 'sex after breakup' syndrome! We have all been there... Its a golden rule of break up....Never fall for sex after you break up!
I have dated 7 girls throughout my illustrious shameful and lustful career (Yes!! Seven!! this was before I lost all the hair and became permanently pregnant with a beer belly!!) This also accounts for the 7 types of break ups which I happen to experience in my life.
Break Up No.1
The first one is always the toughest. She was the one I truly madly fell in love with in school. Apparently, it is the longest I had ever been in a relationship. (Sorry Aditi Suseelan we still have 2 more years to go!!!) Anyways, we had promised each other that we will be with each other no matter what happens and all that shit. But as time passed....our relationship went through testing times and we decided to elope and get register married. The night before the day of the elopement, my besties threw me the best bachelor party ever and I got so wasted and passed out. We made it to the registrar's office at sharp 11 and were waiting there for almost an hour. In the commotion I happen to see a bunch of missed call alerts and messages on my ever faithful Nokia 1100. It was her....apparently she got cold feet and she couldnt go through it and didnt want to cheat her folks. However, I was too wasted to pick up her calls that night and there I was in front of the registrars office dressed in my whitest shirt and a blackest pant. Her last message said "Vish!! I have been preparing you for this break up all year long! I hope you understand!" Yup ...she broke my heart....I drove to the nearest B grade theatre got in for a Shakeela movie and cried my heart out....my wailing thankfully sunk sumwhere in the climaxing moments of Shakeela chechi's on screen orgasms!
Break Up No.2
By now I needed a rebound. I came to Sharjah to celebrate my bachelorhood and hooked up with a chick from school who was my junior....Much to say after breakup No. 1, I was horny Prem Chopra waiting to pound on innocent Hema Malini!!! The month long affair was ever lustful. We were making out and wanking off like easter bunnies at every place we could. One day after we made out in the lift and I dropped her at her place and She said "Love you vish! i ll see you tomm!" I was like "OK!" and that was the last I ever saw of her. I caught the next flight to Nepal and never saw her again. I ran into her profile on FB once and seems shes a civil surgeon now. I blocked her permanently! I really dun wanna end up like Fahad Faasil in 22 Female Kottayam!
Break Up No. 4
We'll come back to Break Up No. 3 after a while. We'll talk of break up No. 4 for the time being. This was law school now.....I hooked up with a chick who was 5 years younger to me....The problem with her was that she never stopped yapping....She always had to blabber about something or the other at all times!!! Even while having sex! Until one fine day, we decided to have a BDSM roleplay and I tied up her hands and shoved my underwear in her mouth and had sex. It was the most peaceful sex I had ever had with her. She broke up with me immediately after that romp session. Apparently, it wasn't because the sex was bad....She was pissed off with the fact that I had washed that underwear in a week. (Disclaimer: This act of perversion may or may not work as a break up but can definitely get you landed in jail as per the new amendments in the Indian Penal Code.)
Break Up No.5
Break Up No.5 taught me the most important thing in life. Never ever break up with a girl in confined spaces such as your car or a lift or cramped spaces. Coz if she plans on getting emotionally beserk, You have no where to escape. Girlfriend No.5 and I were in the car in the car Shanghmugham Beach. She was going on blabbering about getting married and shit when I decided I am gonna make this as blunt as possible. I said "Listen, I cant date you anymore. I wanna break up. This is it!" She was shocked as ever and started crying uncontrollably and kissed my hand. I felt a sudden pain in my heart....I thought I was too hard on her and my heart was aching for her true love I rejected....The pain was becoming unbearable to cope up with and thats when I realized that the crazy bitch was biting the f*** outta my thumb! She just wouldnt let go. I screamed at the top of my voice. I tried choking her....then tried tickling her ....no f***ing way....bitch just would let go of my thumb. Finally, she let go biting away a chunk of tissue and ligament from my thumb and I need to get stitches. Thanks to her, masturbation will never be the same again. I still think of her when I jerk off.
Break Up No.6
Break up No.6 was a techie I met at the Technopark. I was getting out of college and I wanted to focus on my career on starting a pornography website. Our relationship wasn't getting anywhere....She was a nice female and everything but I just wasn't feeling it in the relationship. So I decided that I ll be extra nice to her when I break up and also in a wide open space. I took her out for dinner at a very fancy place in Trivandrum and towards dessert I broke the news to her. She started weeping uncontrollably and I held her hand to console her. Strangely enough people around thought I had proposed to her and started clapping hands and congratulating us. She ran out of the restaurant with everyone looking at me in total sympathy. To them I had been ditched by a cruel woman. The Manager out of sympathy towards me was kind enough to let me know that the Tiramusu was on the house. Though wierd, it was the cleanest break up I have ever had with anyone. Like they say practise makes one better.
Now all of you must be wondering what happened to the girlfriend in Break up No.3. I had met this crazy woman in medical college. Yes I hooked up with her as joke. We dated for a while and we broke up and then we patched up and then we broke up again and patched up like a million times during a short span of 5 years....until one fine day I realized that I can no longer live without her in my life and finally one fine beautiful morning on the month of December, 2011, I asked her to be my wife and she said Yes!
Its been 6 years ever since that break up and Break up No. 3 with Mrs. Aditi Suseelan was indeed the best break up I had in my entire life and Bellu and Smith have been happily breaking up and patching up ever since. That's the story of my break up wedding anniversary!
With love
Bellu and Smith!
P.S: Recent studies show that controversial posts can be directly proportional to your marital sex life!
